Rookie Blue : 15 Division
by SuperNova26
Summary: Nobody ever said being a Cop was easy, it's even written in the manual. Nothing quite prepares you for life in the force, though. Dov Epstein knows this better than most but struggles with it the same as everybody.
1. Chapter 1

_**A.N - This is my first FF. I only recently started watching Rookie Blue and fell in love with the show. I know this choice of pairing doesn't seem massively popular here but its the one that I identify most with. I don't have a Beta Reader (if your interested feel free to let me know) so all errors are my own. Enjoy and feel free to leave any feedback. Much appreciated. SN. **_

_**Chapter One – Love Interruption. **_

Dov once again came to a stop a few metres from the Black Penny. He'd walked past the unique little bar numerous times that evening but as yet, he hadn't been able to face going inside. It'd been five hours since he'd been cleared...five hours since it had been ruled that he'd killed that child in self defence.

When Frank had given him the rest of the shift off, Dov had had every intention of going to the impromptu gathering down-town where the community were holding a sort of remembrance for the deceased. Desperate for some sort of closure. He'd gone, much to Oliver's chagrin, but only fleetingly. Every step closer to that horrible little corner shop made Dov feel sick, his stomach tightening into knots, his palms becoming sweaty despite the rain. He'd only stopped briefly, long enough for a women to question him before he made his excuses and fled.

He'd been cleared but that hadn't erased his guilt. He'd killed a man...no, a child really. No matter the circumstances, no matter how many times he was told 'good shoot'...it didn't change the fact he'd killed.

Racking a hand through his wet hair, Dov steeled himself and walked forward, past the group of people huddled outside the entrance, desperately trying to light their cigarettes against the howling wind. The Black Penny was a rather odd building. Small, crammed between two typical inner city office blocks, with painted black walls and no windows. If you didn't know it was a bar, you'd probably think it was a 'adult' store.

Pushing the door open, Dov was assaulted by a wall of noise and heat. The inside of the Penny was much nicer than the exterior would suggest. Large horseshoe shaped bar, an area dedicated to darts and pool whilst the rest of the space was made up of a large contingent of tables and bar stools. A empty dance floor sat in between the tables and the toilets. It didn't take long for his arrival to ripple through the Penny, the occupants of the penny fell silent, his exploits that day no doubt making its way round the numerous precincts already, those at the far ends of the penny craned their necks to see him and those who where not part of fifteen openly whispered about him.

This was a bad idea but it was to late to turn away now.

Lowering the zip on his jacket, Dov gave his head a slight shake before stalking towards the bar. He briefly glanced towards his usual table, unsurprised to see his friends all gathered around, nursing half drank drinks. Andy waved him over, giving him a sympathetic smile as she did so, the others where all discretely watching him.

"Yes, sir?"

Dov turned his attention back to the barkeep, who was waiting patiently behind the bar.

"Guiness please. Pint." Dov ordered, rummaging through the back pocket of his jeans for his loose change.

"Three-fifty, please."

Dov handed over the money and turned. There was a seat open and waiting for him at his usual table but he just didn't feel like sitting there and making small talk, whilst his friends tried to comfort him. Not today. He just wanted to be left alone, given time to reflect.

Ducking his head, Dov moved in the opposite direction, toward an empty booth tucked away in the furthest corner of the bar, slumping down into the seat and taking a large gulp from his pint, wincing slightly at the bitter taste.

He'd done everything by the book. He'd asked, he'd demanded, he'd stated his intent and then he'd fired. Everything had been by the book, even the procedure afterwards was textbook, but that didn't change the solemn look on the faces of those laying flowers and lighting candles outside the corner shop.

He'd seen what losing a son did to parents. He knew what losing a brother felt like. He wouldn't wish it on he'd been the cause. They'd had training on how to deal with this, he'd no doubt be offered all the counselling in the world when he went back; none of that changed the fact that today, Dov Epstein, had killed a child.

* * *

"I'm going to speak to him!" Declared the tall, dark and worried figure of Chris Diaz as he made to stand from his stool, a worried look attached to his face, before being stopped by the hand of an attractive, dark skinned women who all but yanked him back into his chair.

"I think he just wants to be alone, Chris." Traci reasoned, turning her own worried look over to Dov. It wasn't nice seeing a close friend isolate himself but she understood it. There where nights when, after a particularly gruesome case, Jerry would lock himself away in the spare room, work through some of those inner demons that surfaced.

"I dunno..." stated Chris, shooting a quick look to his friend. "I think I should -"

"I think Traci's right, Chris."

Traci smiled as Andy cut across Chris to back her up. His heart was in the right place, nobody could fault him on that, but sometimes people just needed space and that was something Chris had yet to appreciate.

"I just feel bad..." divulged Chris before taking a quick sip of his beer. "I should have been in that store with him. Even when I heard him shouting I didn't react. Thought it was just Dov being Dov, over eager again, you know?"

"How where you supposed to know?" Andy asked, raising a perfectly arched eyebrow at him. "Dov just wanted something to eat...You had no way of knowing that the store was being robbed. Hell, even the clerk didn't know!"

"I suppose. Just...You should have seen the way Internal Affairs looked at me when I said I was sitting in the Squad car?" muttered Chris, eyes downcast within his pint glass.

"Dov will be fine. It'll take time but it'll happen." stated Traci. "He'll be back to making inappropriate references to his girlfriend before to long."

"I wouldn't bet on it." said Chris with a small shake of his head. "I think him and Sue split. He hasn't gone to her apartment for ages and I've not seen her much recently..."

"You think they split?" Andy asked incredulously. It was a sentiment that Traci shared. When she and Andy had been living together they'd known every single bit of each others personal lives; wanted or not.

Chris offered a half heart shrug and looked a little sheepish before admitting.

"Me and Dov...we're not as close as we where. There are days we don't even see each other. A lot can happen in a few days."

Traci's eyebrows rose almost involuntary. It was quiet an admission. She'd always had her suspicion that not everything was as rosy as it appeared between the two but she'd never been able to nail quite what was up between them.

"It's only natural, Chris. I mean we work such odd shifts. I'm sure its nothing." replied Andy with a comforting smile.

Sometimes Andy was so naïve.

"Something to do with you two not speaking a couple of months ago?" Traci half guessed, half stated. Chris' reaction said all she needed to know. A faint flush started to creep up his neck, his knuckles whitening as his grip tightened on his glass and his eyes bored into the table. Like his mind was working over drive.

Andy flashed her a surprised look, eyes wide at the non verbal admission. It didn't take a genius to link them two not speaking with Chris and Gail splitting up.

"Dov jealous that your fifteens poster boy?" Andy asked with raised eyebrows, a teasing smile on those pouting lips. Apparently trying to change the subject. Andy always had been uncomfortable with gossip.

"More like Dov was jealous that Gail was my girlfriend." It was clearly said without thought, laced with a bitterness that Traci had thought Chris incapable of.

An uncomfortable silence rained over them. Andy was busy looking anywhere but Chris, no doubt trying to digest that slip of information, whilst sipping her large glass of wine. It wasn't as much of a shock to Traci. She'd known that Dov had liked Gail, after all he pretty much admitted to liking her that morning in the precinct car park all those months ago.

"Dov...Dov never did anything with her, right?" Traci asked uncertainly. It didn't seem like something Dov, or even Gail, would do but she had to ask. Curiosity had always been her greatest strength whilst also at times being her greatest weakness.

"No." said Chris adamantly, casting a look over to Dov as he spoke. "I don't think he even told her how he felt, let alone touched her."

"So...if they didn't cheat... why did you split with her?" Blurted out Andy, who instantly looked embarrassed. It was a fair question though; a question that had bothered Traci since the news had fluttered around the precinct.

"Because I watched her with Dov...I know you all think I'm a little bit dim but I'm not blind." stated Chris simply. "She was more comfortable with him than she ever was with me. Watching her with him was like looking at another person...she was herself around him. She let him in, in a way she never did with me. I won't play second fiddle to anybody. Its not fair to me...or to her."

Traci rubbed his shoulder in a comforting manner. Perhaps she should start giving him a little more credit, he was apparently a little more perceptive than they had all given him credit for. If what he said about Gail liking Dov was true, and she had no reason to doubt him, then it was an incredibly mature thing of Chris to do. Most people would deny what they where seeing, pretend it wasn't happening and cling tighter and tighter to that person until they snapped.

"And you shouldn't have to, Chris." agreed Andy with a sad smile, no doubt all to aware of having to play second fiddle to somebody else.

"I saw them sat outside here one night in Gails car, you know." Chris continued, apparently completely unaware of Andy's agreement. "Just talking. I couldn't remember the last time I'd sat there and actually talked about something, anything, with Gail..."

Traci couldn't blame him for going on a little bit of a rant, he must have some stuff to get off his chest and he couldn't exactly vent to Dov, could he? Was this how Leo's dad felt? Watching her love somebody else but unwilling to leave him for them? Was he having this exact conversation with his own friends?

Still as far as she'd been aware there was nothing going on between Dov and Gail...had Chris simply been overreacting? Perhaps Dov and Gail where just friends? Sure, she knew that Dov liked Gail but Gail had never spoke to her about Dov in any affectionate terms. Could Chris just be reading to much into a friendship?

"Still...it doesn't matter...not really...not when he's had a day like to day..." Mused Chris sadly. "I really should speak to him...make sure he's ok?"

Traci was just about to cave, if he wanted to speak to Dov this badly – clearly attempt to reconcile with his 'best friend' – then she couldn't really force him not to, even if she did think it was a bad idea. However, it seemed like somebody had beaten them to it.

* * *

"You look like you need another."

Dov looked up in time to see another pint placed infront of him and the form of Oliver sit opposite him. Out of all the training officers, Oliver was the one that Dov got on the best with. He was mid-thirties, short and carrying a few extra pounds than needed, with thin greying hair and a kind, clean shaven face. He was also possibly the only man alive who looked out of place wearing normal 'civilian' clothes.

"Thanks." said Dov before downing the last of his original and picking up the new one.

"Been a rough day, huh?" stated Oliver, taking a sip of his own drink, whilst watching him intently.

"You could say that." Dov agreed, nodding his head and running a hand through his still damp hair, trying to flatten the mess of brown locks down.

"You did everything right, Epstein. I know you're probably sick of hearing it, but you did nothing wrong." said Oliver earnestly. "That kid...he put himself in that position. He took a shot at you. If you hadn't fired, I'd be a rookie down and as much as it pains me to say this, Epstein, I'd miss your witty banter."

Dov gave a small smile and returned to his pint, choosing not to comment on what appeared to be quite a sentimental statement from the normally sarcastic officer.

"Nobody at fifteen ever doubted you, Dov. Remember that it was our guys who went back and looked over that shop. Nobody ever doubted that you did the right thing." stated Oliver, giving him a supportive clap on the back before pushing himself up from his seat and making to leave. Oliver simply didnt do sentiment, and to be honest, Dov considered him mildly lucky that Oliver had even come over to offer morel support.

"Thanks Oliver." Dov mumbled, never taking his eyes away from the table. Perhaps this had been a bad idea. He should of just gone home, barricaded himself in his room and slept this horrible day away. Of course, that would probably have been easier with the attractive ETA officer Sue next to him.

Dov sighed, dropping his head into his crossed arms so that his face was resting against the wooden table. He'd liked Sue. He really had. She was smart, fun to be with and hot as hell. He should have loved her, should have wanted to marry her but he just didn't. No matter how much he tried, how much he silently pleaded with himself...he just couldn't replace the pretty pale blonde women that occupied his dreams.

It wasn't fair of him to keep her when he didn't think he'd ever be able to like her the way she liked him. She deserved better than that. It had almost broke his heart when he'd sat down in her apartment, knowing what he was about to do whilst she was so full of happiness. She'd questioned him, begged him to tell her why, to give her some scrap of reason why something that she'd thought was going so well had suddenly ended. Dov didn't have the heart to use the cliché 'it's not you, it's me' speech (even though it fitted quite well). He just kept quiet, silently hating himself for doing this to such a nice women. A women who deserved so much better.

Perhaps this was to be his fate. He'd spent most of his twenties going from one meaningless relationship to another. He'd even dated a stripper and bragged about it to anybody and everybody, hoping people would take him a little more serious, perhaps thinking people would see him as the badass rookie.

Of course, they hadn't. He got that now. He'd tried so hard to be bad ass that he'd simply come across as pathetic.

Then somehow...this wonderful women had stumbled into his life, saved him from an IED and asked him out for coffee. He was sure that nobody in the station could understand how he'd landed Sue, to be honest he wasn't sure himself. It didn't matter though, she wasn't Gail. And that made all the difference in the world.

He didn't even know where to start with Gail. They'd never exactly gotten on. Well, not until recently. She was mean and abrasive to everybody but there was something, something infuriating about her when she let her guard down that Dov just couldn't get out of his head. They'd spend hours playing video games, mixing fruit juices into fancy mock-tails and just talking, talking about anything and everything. He had been positive that she liked him.

It didn't matter though. She had been with Chris and he would never have done anything to jeopardise that relationship. Well, never done anything to jeopardise it when he was sober. In the end though, Chris had called time on the relationship. It had made things awkward between them. All three of them really.

They'd worked through it. Well...partially. Chris was civil toward him and vice versa. Dov doubted him and Chris would be as close as they had been. Despite the fact that he'd never (willingly) made a move on Gail, the fact that they had become so close seemed to haunt Chris.

Dov still found it funny, in a rather ironic manner, that he'd left a wonderful women who had really liked him for a women who he couldn't, wouldn't, pursue because it would destroy the remnants of his friendship with his best-friend.

Draining the rest of his pint, Dov had had enough, standing up, he zipped his jacket up to the top and stuffed his hands into his pockets. He was tired. Wanting nothing more than this day to end. He walked quickly to the door, bracing himself for the weather, Dov pushed it open and walked out into the rain. He paused briefly, contemplating hailing a cab, before thinking better of it. He could do with the walk.


	2. Chapter 2 Misguided Ghosts

_**AN:- Second Chapter. I should just point out I am British just to point out, I tried to use 'mom' but it just didn't sit right... Again all Errors are my own, I apologise in advance. Please feel free to leave me any feedback. Cheers SN. **_

_**Chapter 2 – Misguided Ghosts. **_

Andy fidgeted uncomfortably in her seat as she, and the rest of those scheduled for this nightmare shift, gathered in the parole room. The day after a shooting was always tense, even more so when the cause of the shooting was a fellow police officer. Tensions would no doubt be running high throughout the entire community.

There was nothing quiet like the pressure of the day after a major shooting. Every action, every word was scrutinized beyond belief. It was days like today, that truly did put the police force into the spot light.

"Here I was hoping my last shift in this damn uniform would be nice and easy..." Traci remarked sarcastically from beside her. Andy flashed her a quick look and a barely suppressed a sniggering smile.

Everybody knew that Traci would miss the uniform. Sure she was going into to rotation with the detectives, a position that she'd made no secret of wanting since they'd entered the academy, but everybody knew she'd miss the camaraderie of being on the beat. It was going to be odd not working with Traci every day. They'd been friends since the first day of the academy, rooms mates from shortly after and now their lives where both flourishing but, sadly, moving in very opposite directions.

"No such thing as an easy shift, Nash. You should no this by now." The sharp tone of Noelle stated from behind them.

"I dunno...I think yesterday was a walk in the park." rebuffed Traci with a playful roll of her eyes, that thankfully Noelle couldn't see.

Andy had always been rather jealous of the relationship that had developed between Traci and Noelle. Sure her own had flourished with Sam, albeit in a very different manner. Sam and her had been awkward whilst she'd been engaged to Luke, even more awkward afterwards due to Sam disappearing undercover and the whole can of worms that _that _opened. Things had sort of plateaued now and they where going steady but they had almost entirely bypassed the 'mentoring' phase.

It had been clear that Sam wasn't use to having a rookie. He'd been harsh, abrasive and demanding. Not what she'd seen develop between Traci and Noelle or even the sarcastic praise that Oliver gave Dov. She'd never change were she and Sam where now but she often felt a twinge of regret that she didn't have that parent figure within the group, that somebody she could ask for advice...she certainly couldn't ask her dad!

The door opened as the clock struck nine am on the dot and the imposing figure of Staff Sergent Frank Best walked in purposely. If you didn't know Frank you'd be intimidated as hell by him. Tall, muscular and with a face that looked like it had never cracked a smile before. He was always the epitome of tidiness; his uniform was always well ironed and neatly turned out, his moustache was perfectly trimmed and his hair always shaved close to his scalp.

Of course, anybody in Fifteen would tell you that Frank was a stand up guy. He was polite, well spoken and incredibly fair to his officers. Always making time for those that sought his council, Andy doubt that anybody had ever had a bad word to say about Frank and all had been delighted when he'd been bumped up to staff Sargent.

"Alright officers," started Frank as his way of greeting his unit. He arrived at the front of the room, standing just infront of the whiteboard that had their patrol pairs and districts written on it. "We all know that today is going to be a test. And after yesterday I want everybody to be extra vigilante. Even though Officer Epstein was found to have fired under the correct circumstances, there will be those that will see this as excessive force. Expect hostility from the public, especially down-town. Keep your guard up. Your pairs are up on the board. Remember; Protect and Serve. Good shift, coppers."

As one everybody in the parole room stood, seeking out their patrol partners for the day, before they headed out to their assigned squad cars. It wasn't hard for Andy to find her partner. Gail Peck tended to stand out in a crowd. She was a women of little height, almost ghostly pale in complexion which wasn't helped by her bleach blonde hair that pulled tightly into a bun, her eyes where a pale blue that seemed to bore through most people and as you would expect from the daughter of the super intendant, she was everything that the manual stated a police offer should be.

"Come on, Mcnally." Gail ordered, striding past her and out of the room without a second glance.

Andy scrambled to follow her sort of friend out the door, trying to match the impressive pace that the dainty women set. They where already halfway down the hall when a voice shouted causing Gail to come to an abrupt stop and Andy to turn on her heel, facing the way that she'd come.

"Hey! Hey, Mcnally!"

Andy frowned. That was the voice of the new lad. Nick? They hadn't really spoken much, a fact that she felt quite bad about. It couldn't have been easy for the poor man. Trying to infiltrate a group as close as the 'rookies'. Perhaps she should try a little harder to include him. She turned to see him practically running toward them.

He was what Andy would describe as a typical military man. Not so much of a hint of a crease on his uniform, his hair was short and tidy, his face clean shaven and rather boyish in looks. He was taller than both Chris and Dov and more of Sams build than either of her fellow 'Rookies'.

"Do me a favour, Andy. Swap with me?" asked Nick, a friendly smile on his face, though his eyes didn't quite meet hers, they where instead focusing just over her shoulder.

Andy raised her eyebrows, turning to look over her shoulder at Gail, who wore a look of utmost distaste on her face – which was saying something for Gail. When Andy met those incredibly blue eyes, they flared, saying everything Andy needed to know about Gails opinion on swapping partners.

"I don't think Frank would be too happy with us undermining his rotations. Besides, I haven't partnered with Gail for a while. Think we're due a catch up. Sorry!" stated Andy cheerfully, spinning on her heel and falling into step beside Gail before walking toward their car. Neither women said anything for a while, Gail apparently lost in thought whilst Andy couldn't help but notice that Gail certainly seemed popular these days. Whatever happened to the days when men were terrified to even approach her?

They reached their squad car in relative silence, Gail had apparently decided that she was keeping the keys and had designated herself the driver for the shift, which really wasn't a problem for Andy – driving had never exactly been her strong point.

"So...looks like the new rookie's taking a shine to you?" asked Andy, sending Gail a look over the roof of their squad car, her hand poised to open the car door.

"If you say so." rebuffed Gail, pulling the drivers door open with slightly more force than necessary, a fact that wasn't lost on Andy, before dropping effortlessly down into the drivers seat.

"Oh please!" snorted Andy, as she plopped down into the passenger seat, turning an incredulous look toward Gail, as she buckled her seatbelt. "Didn't he ask Noelle to swap partners as well yesterday?"

Andy wasn't a vindictive person. She liked to try and see the best in everybody. However, a small part of her couldn't help but feel a small sense of victory at making Gail uncomfortable. It was so hard to gain any serious emotion from the normally cagey young women, that even her being agitated said a lot more than it would for another person.

"I can't help it if some new rookie follows me around like a lost puppy."

The car roared into life as Gail took it out of the car park and began making their journey toward Grange park.

"I'd be flattered." Andy commented off handily, booting up the in car computer. "He's kinda cute."

Andy glanced a look at Gail out of the corner of her eyes, there was a faint flush on her cheeks and her eyes where glued on the road. This was first time that Andy had seen Gail anything less than composed.

"Is your love life that dull with Swarek, that you've got to try and poke your nose into mine?" asked Gail a noticeable bite in her voice. "Doesn't Traci need to chew your ears off about her baby daddy drama or something?"

Dull was something that she definitely wanted her love life with Swarek to be. Sneaking in and out of wired apartments, where every inch of it was covered by cameras, and every second worrying that a different scum-bag would appear at the door was vastly overrated. She'd take dull and content everyday of the week.

"Traci's worked things out." divulged Andy. It was true. Traci had moved in with Jerry, her relationship with Leo's dad where tentative but civil and Leo had the best of both worlds with his mum and his dad.

"Congratulations to her." Drawled Gail, visibly rolling her eyes. "I think I'll send her a card..."

"I'm just trying to help. I don't like seeing one of my friends unhappy."

Friends may have been pushing it slightly. They'd never been particular close...This single statement did, however, cause Gail to momentarily take her eyes off the road and look at Andy with that trademark stare.

"I'm perfectly happy." Snapped Gail, eyes back front and the steering wheel locked in a death grip.

"If you say so, Gail."

"I do. So if you're done doing your Doctor Phil bit...perhaps you should run the plate of that Chevy over there?"

If Andy admired one thing about Gail, it was her ability to kill a conversation. Dead.

* * *

It'd been thirty minutes since he'd stopped running. Half and hour since he'd been stood outside the gate. His hands hadn't moved from behind his head, fingers still linked within the locks of his damp hair, his eyes never straying from the large, arched metallic sign that hung high above the gate; the words 'cemetery' burning into his mind.

Dov wasn't sure if his breathing was still ragged from the near twelve mile jog that he'd undergone to reach here or if it was the fact that this was the first time he'd visited.

"It gets easier, son."

Dov turned sharply, looking over his shoulder for the source of the sudden intrusion upon his musings, only to see a diminutive old man, standing a few paces to the side of him, a bouquet of lilies, so big that they almost dwarfed him, held tightly in his arms.

"Sounds like bull to me." stated Dov, taking one look at the large purple bags underneath the old chaps friendly brown eyes, the wet patch on the collar of his brown leather jacket and the slight tremble in his hand.

"I never said it was pleasant." The old man stated simply. "I've been coming here more than thirty years. Each time harder than the last but you should never forgot those that you've loved and lost."

It wasn't forgetting those that he had lost that was the problem. It was giving up the reason why he'd lost them. It had been his driving force – his reminder to go another way - to chose another path – for so long that if he gave up...what did he have?

"My first time." admitted Dov, his eyes looking a little bit past the haunting sign to the rows of headstones. It was a daunting sight.

The elderly man gave a sage like nod, reaching up and grasping his shoulder and giving him a deceptively firm shake.

"You gotta do, son. You won't move on unless you accept the hardships that have made you." The man walked brazenly into the cemetery with practised ease, dumping the bouquet of lilies into the bin that lurked just inside the gate, turning his wrinkled face as he did so, exposing a sad smile that hid beneath his pure white moustache and saying, "she always hated lilies...but I used to buy them for her anyway."

A small smile flickered across Dov's face as he watched the little old stranger disappear into one of the rows of head stones. He'd been so focused on turning away from that life, that he'd held onto his families failings in order to remind him of what not to become, of what he was so desperately trying to protect the people of the city from that they'd become his driving force and, no matter how much he'd wanted to, he just couldn't give them up.

But he needed to.

Steeling himself, taking a deep breath, Dov stepped forward across the threshold. Each step was daunting, nauseating but he knew it was necessary. He'd waited far to long to come here. He walked past each row, scanning name after name of those that had past, even though he knew exactly where his family plot was.

He didn't know what he'd expected. He had never spent a particularly long time imagining what his families plot would like, but standing in front of it...it was a lot simpler than he'd imagined. He'd always known his family hadn't had much money, but seeing the three little plaques buried into the ground amidst a sea of much larger, grander tombstones.

One by one Dov scanned the engraved writing on each plaque.

_Adam Epstein_

_1974 – 1995 _

_Beloved Son and cherished Brother. _

_David Epstein _

_1951 – 2005 _

_Abigail Feld _

_1956 – 2001. _

Dov stared at his mothers plaque for a moment longer than he had done for his father and brother, he hadn't realised they had buried her in her maiden name. It was odd seeing both his parents names placed side by side...they'd had such a messy divorce that the last thing he'd ever imagined was that either one would want their final resting place to be beside each other. He guessed that they'd both requesting, in the occurrence that the worst happened, that they wanted to be buried with Adam.

"I hope you weren't expecting flowers." stated Dov, his voice was low and croaky as he loomed over the plaques. It felt stupid speaking to three pieces of stone but part of him couldn't stop the words from tumbling out of his mouth. "I guess...I guess I should apologise that its taken me this long to come visit. And I'm sorry I never attended the services...I just...I figured if I went it'd make it feel real and the longer I waited the harder it was to come."

Dov blinked forcefully, bidding unshed tears away from his eyes.

"But I'm done letting the memories of the dead haunt me." Dov announced through gritted teeth as he glared down at the ground. All that resentment, the anger, that he'd buried was bubbling back to the surface. "Your actions, right or wrong, made me. I wouldn't be me without you. And you're my family...and I will always love you but I will never forgive you for what you put me through."

His breathing was now more ragged than at any point during his twelve mile 'therapy' jog.

"The two of you where so caught up in a tit-for-tat point scoring argument that you failed to recognise your eldest son was going massively off the rails! You ignored him when he crying out for help..." Dov swallowed, closing his eyes for a moment to recompose himself. "And when he died, Mum, you where so unable to cope with that guilt that you turned to the very things that killed him! And I will never, ever, forgive you for getting behind the wheel in that state. The only blessing was that you didn't hurt anybody else. Dad...I appreciate what you tried to do...it can't have been easy on your own and I truly regret that I couldn't ease your suffering during your illness. I just...I just hope that the three of you have found the peace in death that you couldn't in life."

Dov stuffed his hands in his pockets, his chin almost tucked against his chest as he poured out years of pent up frustration.

"For so long I tried to be the man, the police officer, that would stop people taking advantage of those who knew no better, but last night, you what I realised...When I heard the mother of the child that I'd killed, profess that he was good kid, that he'd fallen into the wrong crowd...that it couldn't possibly be him that took a shot at me. I realised that I'd heard those exact same words when the police had come to tell us about Adam...That I'd thought those exact same words when that officer dragged me out of class to tell me my mother had wrapped herself around a tree. There is no such thing as a good person who does bad things. There are only those that do the right thing and those that do the easy thing."

Dov remained silent for a few minutes.

"People put themselves in bad situations. Nobody else puts them there. To many people look to shift the blame. And I'm done being the guy that tries to save those to weak to make the hard choices...I'm going to be the officer that's there for those who have no choice. The man that picks up the pieces. I'm going make everything I went through as a child into my strength. I will help people take the right path. To protect and serve."

Dov stood there solemnly for a moment just looking down at the plaques. The faces of his family flashing before his eyes; Adams hair, the same messy brown, that didn't seem to want to lay flat, as his. His mother and her kind, infatuating smile and his fathers cheeky, sniggering laugh.

He crouched down on the grass, brought his index and middle finger to his lips pressing a kiss to the tips before placing his fingers gently down onto his brothers plaque. His fingers lingered and traced the engraved name of his brother before doing the same to his mothers and fathers.

Dov stood up, wiping his eyes on the bottom of his t-shirt, exhaling as he did so. He had waited to long to come here. He should have come much sooner but everybody coped differently with grief; his mother had crawled into a bottle and turned to a needle for relief whilst his father threw himself into work – anything – that would take his mind off the loss of his eldest son, and Dov took the approach that if he didn't attend the services or visit the graves then it wasn't real, just a bad dream that he'd wake up from. When people asked him about his family, he alluded the subject, skirted the issue so that he didn't have to confront it. Perhaps, in hindsight, not the best coping method but it had kept him functioning whilst everything else fell apart around him, it had kept him sane because even though he knew that everything around him had gone to shit he knew what not to do. Like a sick blueprint of how easily things could end. As a kid, hell even an adult, that was one hell of a motivator to do things right.

Dov began to walk back toward the gate, well aware that he didn't have the energy to jog back to his apartment and that he needed to make his way to the subway, when he spotted the old man from earlier, leaning casually against a rather grand looking tombstone, chatting away to himself like it was the most natural thing in the world. Dov didn't know whether to feel immense sadness for the old man, clearly unable to move on from the death of his wife, or to admire the mans bravery that he was able to face the most difficult of circumstances as if it where normal.

Dov waved a small goodbye to the man as he walked back toward the gate, a gesture that the old man returned heartedly. Odd as it may see; Dov left the cemetery with a small smile on his face, a sense of relief fluttering in his stomach, a weight having been lifted from his shoulders that he didn't even know he was carrying.

Most people can't point to the moment when there life changed. Dov had a feeling that he wouldn't be one of those people.


End file.
